David Bowie: Hello?
Kim Gavin: Hi David, we were wondering if you would be interesting in performing in the olympic closing ceremony on the 12th August
DB: Well maybe, what's the theme
KG: It's a showcase of the best of british music from the last 50 years
DB: Well I can see why you asked me, who else is coming
KG: so far we've got Emeli Sande, One Direction & more Jessie J than you can shake a stick at
DB: Emily Sander?
KG: And more Jessie J than you can shake a stick at
DB: Anyone else
KG: Annie Lennox & Madness, and we've got George Michael doing his new single, man his agent is tough
DB: So by 'showcase of the best of british music' you mean 'typical local radio playlist', Phil Collins busy that weekend?
KG: He grunted something about tax and put the phone down, we've got the Spice Girls lined up, and The Who
DB: The Who, great - that's more like it
KG: Well maybe, Daltrey was a bit non-commital on the phone, so we've booked the Kaiser Chiefs just in case. We've got Beady Eye as well, but told them in no uncertain terms they're not to play any Beady Eye songs
DB: Hmmmm, so what is it you actually want me to do
KG: well we thought you might want to perform Fashion for us
DB: Oh I see what you did there, my song about the vacuous nature of people blindly following the latest trends which I cleverly parallel with the rise of the far right. What a wonderful idea to highlight the distinction between our current shallow famous for being famous celebrity culture and all of the wonderful athletes who have genuinely achieved greatness over the past few weeks. Count me in.
KG: Sorry David, missed that, Russell Brand on the other line. Anyway, while you're singing we're going to have Kate Moss mincing around, a quick plug for Victoria Beckham's latest crap, and dancers in quasi-militaristic outifts goosestepping while pushing some billboards around the place.
DB: Did you say the 12th, sorry I've got Mick & Keith coming over for a barbecue
KG: You sure? Did I mention we've got Jessie J?
DB: *puts phone down*